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" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

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" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "

" My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "