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" My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping. "

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" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "

" Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence. "

" Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "

" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. "

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. "

" We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. "

" Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. "

" My Vegas act is how I make my money. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "