Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. "

Related Quotes:

" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "

" I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "

" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "

" Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. "

" Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. "

" It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. "

" It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "

" You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. "

" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "

" Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? "

" Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. "

" My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. "

" I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. "

" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "

" Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. "

" Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. "

" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "

" On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' "

" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "

" There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. "

" Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' "

" I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. "

" I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. "

" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "

" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "

" Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? "

" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "

" I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. "

" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "

" They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. "