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" I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. "

Paula Poundstone

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" Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. "

Laurence J. Peter

" A funny thing about near-future stories: the future catches up to them. If the author is unlucky, the future catches up faster than the book can get out the door. "

Edward M. Lerner

" I don't have a caustic sense of humor. What I find funny, that humor comes from a much gentler place. "

" If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify. "

Seth MacFarlane

" It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified. "

Gilbert K. Chesterton

" I like having a beard. What's funny is when you shave a beard, you realize how freezing cold your face is! The primary purpose evolution-wise is to keep you warm, to grow hair on your face. You shave it off, and your face is freezing for a few days. "

" I can really stir up a conversation. Every time I go to a meeting or a casting, I try to make it as light and funny as I can. I'm always making really awkward jokes. You have to make life fun and not take it too seriously. I may look like I'm very serious and into my work, but if you knew me, I'm just a jokester. "

Charlotte McKinney

" A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters. "

Barbara Corcoran

" I don't know, maybe Australian humour isn't supposed to be funny. It's as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss that. "

" What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? "

W. Clement Stone

" Tell me I'm beautiful, it's nothing. Tell me I'm intellectual - I know it. Tell me I'm funny, and it's the greatest compliment in the world anyone could give me. "

" When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. "

" People naturally want to retweet and engage on super funny videos and memes. "

" The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. "

" In entertainment, I adore Ricky Gervais in 'Derek.' His performance is unbelievably charming, funny and poignant. In life, I adore my girlfriend. She is the most adorable person I have ever met - from her silly jokes to her cute teeth to her little drawings. "

" It's obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one's art. "

" So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? "

Christina Aguilera

" I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. "

" When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy.' "

" 'Bridesmaids,' I think, opened up a door to allow women to show a bunch of different women in different ways of being funny. It was kind of like an arrival moment. "

" I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard. "

" Communism is like one big phone company. "

" People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life. "

" For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy. "

George A. Romero

" Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke. "

" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "

" My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain. "

" I saw a stationery store move. "

" Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. "

Robert A. Heinlein

" Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. "