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" I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself. "

Shaquille O'Neal

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" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. "

" I always find it actually funny that the analysis is that the characters I play in comedies are the manchild, the adolescent, characters that refuse to grow up. And yet, if you look back in the history of comedy all the way back to the Marx brothers, that's a big part of comedy. "

" I average 25 with three guys on me and they are just looking at stats I guess. "

Shaquille O'Neal

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. "

" If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious. "

" I own and operate a ferocious ego. "

" What's so funny about cats is that they have this kind of aloof, superior vibe to them. Even if you love them, they are unpredictable. Dogs are more social, and the way that they attach and bond to us is much more human. "

" Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. "

" 'Bridesmaids,' I think, opened up a door to allow women to show a bunch of different women in different ways of being funny. It was kind of like an arrival moment. "

" I never said most of the things I said. "

" You know what? At the end of the day, funny is funny. I hope to see the end of all the female cliches that are written in a lot of comedies that are named chick flicks. "

Wendi McLendon-Covey

" When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding. "

" I am the shortest and least funny person in my family. "

Heather Donahue

" There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off. "

Douglas Coupland

" A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. "

" You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level. "

" My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and he has the improvisational skills, too. I've never seen anybody better. "

" I really love showing up at work at 10 A.M., trying to make it funny until 3 P.M., and then going home. It's like comedy bankers' hours. "

" It's funny. You travel all over the world, and you wind up with a guy from your hometown. "

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

" What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating. "

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

" But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone. "

Garry Shandling

" There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. "

" Unless someone wants to look funny, I'll not recommend anyone to copy my bowling action. But on a serious note, with the confidence that I have got from the amount of runs I have been scoring, when I'm thrown the ball to bowl, I am pretty sure of what I have to do. I may not be the most attractive to watch while bowling, but I can be effective. "

" I comment on my friends' things; whatever they post, I post funny posts. I don't post anything that's too sad or mad, or at least not for too long. And I'm usually just a happy person! Silly - people would describe me as silly and crazy and fun. "