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" Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. "

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" My mama never wore a pair of pants when I was growing up, and now that's all she wears. It was so funny for me when I first started seeing Mama wear pants. It was like it wasn't Mama. Now I've bought her many a pantsuit because she just lives in them. "

" That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. "

" Some call-in moderators are neutral and courteous. Then there's Rush Limbaugh, who is funny and pompous and a scapegoater and hatemonger. His popularity could cause you to draw some terrible conclusions about the state of mind of the American people. It helps to remember that Bill Cosby is popular, too. "

Donella Meadows

" You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. "

" Fame is a funny thing. I like doing normal things. I like going to fairs. I like going to ball games. I like going to Disney World or a big field on the Fourth of July and having picnics with friends. The problem is you're either worried you're going to be recognized, or you're thankful you're not. It's always there. "

" Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. "

" Never fight an inanimate object. "

" Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. "

" There's nothing I would love more than to host an awards show where I'm nominated for an award - that is so funny to me. "

" There's a darkness under 'The Hangover' because ultimately there's a missing person and it's not really that funny. There's a sort of darkness under it that I love, and still people are laughing as hard if not harder than they did in 'Old School.' "

" It sounds funny, but I always try to keep an open mind about what I'm writing about. Sometimes I squeak my opinions in there, but generally I don't. I try to be objective about things that I'm writing about. "

John Mellencamp

" I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an adult. It's funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfield. "

" I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" Is everything funny? For me, yes. There's a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there's something in there that'll make you laugh. "

" If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity. "

" Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. "

" Even Napoleon had his Watergate. "

" If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. "

" I'm a Twitter addict. Jose Andres is a serial tweeter. It's funny to see which chefs have embraced it, and the different paths they take. "

Anthony Bourdain

" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "

" 'Funny People' is my favorite performance of myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as realistic as possible. "

" What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? "

W. Clement Stone

" To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. "

" It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness. "

" Unless someone wants to look funny, I'll not recommend anyone to copy my bowling action. But on a serious note, with the confidence that I have got from the amount of runs I have been scoring, when I'm thrown the ball to bowl, I am pretty sure of what I have to do. I may not be the most attractive to watch while bowling, but I can be effective. "

" He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow. "

" For a Catholic kid in parochial school, the only way to survive the beatings - by classmates, not the nuns - was to be the funny guy. "

George A. Romero

" If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! "

" I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. "