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" I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? "

Arnold Schwarzenegger

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" I run around my house naked with heels all the time. It's so funny. "

Mary-Kate Olsen

" Diane Keaton is good for women in and of herself. She's smart and funny and real. "

" Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. "

" There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. "

" I love the funny and sweet moments I have with my cats, Jake and Frank, so I'm honored to be celebrating these moments at the Catdance Film Festival. "

" I don't think I would do a straight late-night talk show, like a 'Tonight Show' kind of thing. But I'm open to whatever is done well. I don't have any agenda. I'm not like Fugazi - I'm not trying to be just so punk rock until I die. Whatever is funny is good. "

" I regret behaving badly when I was younger. I did not know any better at the time. The thing is that the incidents that I caused were not funny... Youth is wasted on the young. It is better to have the wisdom of an old man in a young body... I was a bit foolish and teased people, trying to be funny. "

" Personally, I feel like I'm trying to redefine what a really good rapper can be like. Like, I think it's not often where a good rapper can be making funny music. "

" The parrot's so funny. He imitates me and I don't even realize he's doing it. I'm walking around the house talking to myself and whistling and the next day he's said something I've said... it's scary you know? "

" I'm very, very amateur, which is funny because I'm not in the amateur leagues. "

" Sometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing. "

" It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "

" Some of the best bad guys in movies are funny and charming. "

" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "

" Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. "

Christopher Plummer

" If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? "

Laurence J. Peter

" I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They're giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that's just the staff. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. "

" To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. "

Misunderstanding

" The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. "

Jean de la Bruyere

" Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. "

" Movies don't look hard, but figuring it out, getting the shape of it, getting everybody's character right and having it be funny, make sense and be romantic, it's creating a puzzle. Yes, having been a writer for so long, I have an awareness of when things are going awry, but it doesn't mean I know how to fix them. "

" Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. "

" I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. "

" People use the guise of art, and artistic expression, to do all kinds of hateful things. It's like Trump and everybody else using the guise of humor to say hateful things, the excuse being, 'I was just being funny.' "

" I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. "

" Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. "