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" Sometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing. "

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" I detest jokes - when somebody tells me one, I feel my IQ dropping; the brain cells start to disappear. But something is funny when the person delivering the line doesn't know it's funny or doesn't treat it as a joke. Maybe it comes from a place of truth, or it's a sort of rage against society. "

" Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar. "

" I'm not saying that I'm on some crusade to change people's minds. I'm just doing what I do. I'm a comedian, I'm trying to be funny... I think when they see a comedy show with an Iranian and an Egyptian and two Palestinians, I think they go, 'Oh wow, these guys are just like us.' "

" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "

" Maybe people don't see me as believable playing a person of today. I guess I'm just more realistic in a corset and funny hairstyles. "

" I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time. "

" Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast. "

" I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny. "

" To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is. "

Misunderstanding

" I always have a funny story at communion time that underscores that no one is perfect, and that communion is not for perfect people but for hungry people. "

" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I did some stupid things when I was younger, but I got a lot out of my system. Every time, my mom was waiting there with an 'I told you so.' Moms are usually right. You're wrong if you don't think that they've done what we're doing, because they have. "

" I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. "

Winston Churchill

" I love airports because funny things always happen at them. They're giant complexes full of urgency, seriousness, and confusion. Where am I supposed to be? Which way do I go? And that's just the staff. "

" Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. "

" My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. "

" If you're public speaking, imagine yourself feeling confident; if you're nervous about a date and thinking, 'I'm gonna be a dork,' picture yourself being funny. Then it will be familiar to your brain. "

Lindsey Stirling

" I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary. "

" An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. "

" I had a beautiful mother and a famous father, and I didn't know where I fit in. "

" If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious. "

" When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. "

" Comedy is only funny when there's real pain. "

" My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. "

Ellen DeGeneres

" I think that 'Hangover II' is as funny as 'The Hangover I,' honest to God, but I think that it's a little bit darker, and the stakes are a little bit higher. "

" I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. "

" I own and operate a ferocious ego. "