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All Quotes by author - Mitch Hedberg
" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "
Me
Funny
Jokes
" An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. "
You
Never
See
" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "
Stocking
Foot
Severed
" A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. "
Like
Waffle
Trap
" Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. "
People
Meat
Deli
" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "
Dogs
Push
Forever
" Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. "
Think
You
Sorry
" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "
Children
Book
Every
" Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' "
Say
Planet
Time
" Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. "
Macaroni
Cheese
Food
" I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. "
Got
Always
Sick
" I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. "
Whistle
I Can
Fingers
" I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. "
Four
Cart
Good
" I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. "
Woman
Know
Mad
" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "
Whistle
Because
Funny
" If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. "
Carrots
Would
Drunk
" If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. "
Type
Any
Fingers
" If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. "
Work
Draw
Kitchen
" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "
Work
Bubble
Back
" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. "
Long
Would
Too
" I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. "
Look
Know
I Can
" I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "
People
More
Unless
" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "
Good
Wasting Time
Why
" I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. "
Hold
Like
Together
" I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. "
Addicted
Play
Sitting
" I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "
Against
Show
Know
" I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. "
Someone
Women
Who
" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "
Joke
Words
Last
" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "
Ask
Up
Dreams
" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "
Lift
Me
Once
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