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All Quotes by author - Fred Allen

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "

" A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "

" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "

" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" California is a great place to live if you're an orange. "

" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "

" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "

" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. "

" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "

" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "

" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "

" If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race. "

" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "

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