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" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "

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" Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. "

" I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. "

" It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body. "

" Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in. "

" If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "

" I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. "

" If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. "

Logan Pearsall Smith

" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

" Life is funny, and a lot of times, the people that I've met have really gone past anything that I've ever dreamed of, so I'm really grateful. My friendships really go from the West to the East. You'd be amazed at some of the people I call friends. "

" I don't care whether people say, ''The Office' is rubbish, 'Extras' is worse, 'Flanimals' is a waste of time. He's not funny; he never has been. I hate him.' I don't mind that at all. In fact, not only do I expect it, I celebrate it, because I think the haters are really important. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" I don't mean to be funny. "

" It's really funny because the same people who loved me as Stringer Bell were the same people that were watching 'Daddy's Little Girls' literally in tears. "

" I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. "

" Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it. "

" My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. "

" A rich man's joke is always funny. "

Thomas Edward Brown

" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist. "

Sarah Silverman

" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" I would ask my mother to show me how to walk - and she did show me. That's why I think it's funny when people say, 'Did so-and-so teach you how to walk?' And I always say, 'You must be talking about my mother, because it was my mother who taught me how to walk.' "

" After all is said and done, sit down. "

" If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. "

" There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. "

Jean Baudrillard

" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "

" Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark. "

" The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. "

Terry Pratchett

" Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know. "