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" Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. "

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" I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. "

" Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. "

" Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. "

" What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. "

" As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. "

" Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. "

" It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. "

" There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? "

" I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "

" I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. "

" I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! "

" Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. "

" I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "

" Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "

" He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. "

" Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. "

" To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "

" The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. "

" If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. "

" I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. "

" Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. "

" Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. "

" My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. "

" I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "

" In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. "

" I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. "

" I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. "

" When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back. "

" If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. "