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" The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them. "

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" A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. "

" The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing. "

" It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. "

" The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. "

" If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public. "

" A loafer always has the correct time. "

" If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. "

" It used to be that a fellow went on the police force when everything else failed, but today he goes in the advertising game. "

" Bargain... anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on. "

" The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you. "

" Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. "

" An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed. "

" It isn't enough for you to love money - it's also necessary that money should love you. "

" I don't look for much to come out of government ownership as long as we have Democrats and Republicans. "

" The world gets better every day - then worse again in the evening. "

" Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home. "

" There is nothing so aggravating as a fresh boy who is too old to ignore and too young to kick. "

" All the world loves a good loser. "

" Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family. "

" Every once in a while someone without a single bad habit gets caught. "

" There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose. "

" Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn't have as many monuments to unveil. "

" Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience. "

" No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. "

" Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it. "

" Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid. "

" Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count. "

" When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money. "

" After a fellow gets famous it doesn't take long for someone to bob up that used to sit by him in school. "