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" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

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" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "