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" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

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" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. "

" I like definitive things. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "