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" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

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" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

" I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. "

" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. "

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "