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" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

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" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" You can be passionate about anything. "

" Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

" I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "