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" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

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" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" I like definitive things. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. "