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" Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. "

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" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. "

" I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

" For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "