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" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

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" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" Men want to make women happy. "

" When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy. "

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. "

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "