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" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Done

Realize

People

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" Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. "

" I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. "

" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

" You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. "

" Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

" Stand-up is hard. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Hard

Stand-Up

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Never

Money

" Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. "

" Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Look

Humor

" You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that. "

" A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Joke

Play

" I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. "

" I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that. "

" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Proud

New

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

Jerry Seinfeld

Bad

Hours

" I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. "

" I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "