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" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

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" There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. "

" A funny thing about near-future stories: the future catches up to them. If the author is unlucky, the future catches up faster than the book can get out the door. "

Edward M. Lerner

" Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. "

" The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. "

P. G. Wodehouse

" The inspiration for my Vines comes from thinking about funny and relatable experiences from my daily life. "

" Sometimes I think I'm funny. But then sometimes I see myself, and I think, 'There's somebody trying to be funny.' "

" It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish. "

Stephen Leacock

" A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. "

George Bernard Shaw

" I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. "

Rodney Dangerfield

" Being funny is everything to me. "

" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

" Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. "

Laurence J. Peter

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" It is funny to me that because I can run, because I'm athletic, people tend to see that as my only asset. "

Colin Kaepernick

" A rich man's joke is always funny. "

Thomas Edward Brown

" I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. "

" I like marriage. The idea. "

" Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. "

Benjamin Franklin

" I don't think I would do a straight late-night talk show, like a 'Tonight Show' kind of thing. But I'm open to whatever is done well. I don't have any agenda. I'm not like Fugazi - I'm not trying to be just so punk rock until I die. Whatever is funny is good. "

" I'm very, very amateur, which is funny because I'm not in the amateur leagues. "

" I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. "

" You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. "

" I have an unfortunate personality. "

" If I get dressed up, and my boyfriend says, 'You look gorgeous,' I kinda feel funny. I don't know if I'm particularly comfortable with being attractive. "

" I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an adult. It's funny, because I was never big into autographs as a kid. The only player who I ever wanted an autograph from was Dave Winfield. "

" I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "

" I am built funny. Picture Mark Twain's head on Ichabod Crane's body. Now hold your mental picture to the light and crumple it. "

" Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be. "