Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. "

Related Quotes:

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "

" I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward. "

" I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into. "

" My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. "

" The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. "

" I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. "

" When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. "

" I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. "

" There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win. "

" Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment. "

" The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. "

" The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. "

" You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. "

" We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. "