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" If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. "

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" The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. "

" Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky. "

" My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. "

" Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. "

" It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. "

" It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it. "

" To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information. "

" I like money, but it's never been about the money. "

" Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me. "

" Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. "

" Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. "

" I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained. "

" I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. "

" Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy. "

" A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. "

" There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. "

" I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done. "

" That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. "

" If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. "

" Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. "

" You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. "

" Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. "

" I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. "

" The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. "

" I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them. "

" Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. "

" I love being a dad. I just love it. "

" People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. "

" The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!' "

" I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. "