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" What I like to write about is stuff I know. I don't think I could write a novel. I don't think I have it in me to come up with those kinds of characters. "

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" You know, one wonderful thing that came out of my Enquirer experience is that, in my case, it was ruled tabloids are magazines. Which means they didn't have the protection that a newspaper has. "

" I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these? "

" I'm into 'House of Cards.' 'Breaking Bad' - my God, did I binge on that! "

" Adolescence is just one big walking pimple. "

" My favorite is doing the television show, as a variety show, every week. If the show wasn't that great one week, we could always come back and apologize, you know? "

" Funny is funny. I dare anyone to look at Tim Conway and Harvey Korman doing the dentist sketch, which is more than 40 years old, and not scream with laughter. "

" It's almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington. "

" Well, I don't know how astute I am, but I did want to be a journalist when I was growing up. "

" Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. "

" When I was in college at UCLA, I took a playwriting course. I was all set to be a writer. But I had to take this acting class as a theater arts major. I had to do this scene in a one-act comedy. I just said this line, and then... this laugh happened. I thought, 'Whoa. This is a really good feeling. What have I been missing?' "

" My favourite comedian, of course, is Tim Conway. He has a way about him - being that belly-laugh kind of funny, and he has the improvisational skills, too. I've never seen anybody better. "

" Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me. "

" When I went to New York to try and make it, I never thought it wouldn't happen. "

" I think the hardest thing to do in the world, show-business-wise, is write comedy. "

" I love to write. I have always loved writing. That was my first love. "

" I love 'Modern Family.' And I love 'Glee' - the singing, the music - Jane Lynch just kills me. "

" Just scream! You vent, and the body just feels good after a good old yell. "

" I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes. "

" I eat very well, and I do Pilates. "

" I'm really not that funny in real life! But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh. "

" I have a great memory. "

" My first book was an open letter to my three daughters. "

" I'm like your mother, your sister, whatever. "

" Originally, I came from Texas, and we lived on - I guess you'd call it welfare, what we called relief. "

" I loved doing 'The Family' with Eunice and Mama. They were very interesting because there were no jokes written into those sketches. It was all character-driven. And sometimes it got a little heavy. "

" When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go. "

" I never felt cynical, and I never felt that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. "

" You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself. "

" When I left 'The Garry Moore Show,' I signed a 10-year contract with CBS. "

" Steve Martin in 'All of Me,' when he did that whole thing where he was possessed by the spirit in his body? It was brilliant. "