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" Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? "

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" Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. "

" There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. "

Jean Baudrillard

" I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. "

" If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time. "

" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "

" You know what? At the end of the day, funny is funny. I hope to see the end of all the female cliches that are written in a lot of comedies that are named chick flicks. "

Wendi McLendon-Covey

" I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. "

" I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. "

" I love the funny and sweet moments I have with my cats, Jake and Frank, so I'm honored to be celebrating these moments at the Catdance Film Festival. "

" All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. "

" If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? "

" Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. "

" In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me. "

" It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. "

" I was always good at being observationally funny - like, contributing something funny to the conversation. "

" My mother is very funny. She is from a village; she has a typical village kind of humour. Often she says a lot of things she herself isn't aware is a punch line. "

" I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. "

" I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. "

Paula Poundstone

" I think serial monogamy says it all. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you're the product. It was never more true than in the case of Facebook and Gmail and YouTube. You get free social-media services, and you get free funny cat videos. In exchange, you give up the most valuable asset you have, which is your personal data. "

Yuval Noah Harari

" Too much agreement kills a chat. "

Eldridge Cleaver

" I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. "

" He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. "

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

" It's funny how seeing a love story never gets boring, because it's the dream, isn't it? It's the dream to have a true connection with another human being. "

" I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it. "

" We spend a lot of time on Skype and other video interviews, and it's funny how many people will prepare for a Skype interview by wearing a formal suit jacket with pajama pants on the bottom. Then suddenly, someone is at the door, and you have to get up, and you realize you're wearing reindeer boxers. Just put pants on. "

Kathryn Minshew

" Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. "

" I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. "

" I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. "