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" We spend a lot of time on Skype and other video interviews, and it's funny how many people will prepare for a Skype interview by wearing a formal suit jacket with pajama pants on the bottom. Then suddenly, someone is at the door, and you have to get up, and you realize you're wearing reindeer boxers. Just put pants on. "

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" Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, through a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace. "

Beth Ditto

Girl

Funny

World

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" A funny thing about near-future stories: the future catches up to them. If the author is unlucky, the future catches up faster than the book can get out the door. "

Edward M. Lerner

Future

Stories

" I used to work at NASA in Virginia. It was nothing glamorous; I was just tasked with making code compile for obscure projects, and I wasn't very good at it. Now I spend most of my time drawing pictures and looking at funny things on the Internet, which in retrospect is largely what I did at my old job, too. "

" Starting with the values that feel authentic to who you are can serve as a compass to find more meaningful, fulfilling work. "

" As for our majority... one is enough. "

" I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. "

Lily Tomlin

Realize

Funny

" I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. "

" Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. "

" It's funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don't tweet, I don't talk, I don't interview, and then I have times where I do. "

Lance Armstrong

Dark

Talk

" If you believe, as I do believe, in reincarnation, they say that every time you come back, it's because you have to finish something. I've a funny feeling that my thing in this life is to have one relationship after another. "

" If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? "

" Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of. "

" I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat. "

" There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity. "

" It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later. "

" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "

" I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like it. It goes great with the time period. And I was super, super, super-happy to have my bangs swept to the side rather than straight in front of me, which I dealt with for three seasons. I'm very, very much done with that. "

" There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast. "

J. Michael Straczynski

Want

You

Writing

" All I've wanted to be is someone people look up to. It's funny - everyone says I'm controversial. I've never worked out what it is about me that's controversial. I've never had a DUI; I've never been in a brawl; you've never seen photos of me walking out of clubs at 5 A.M. "

" I can resist everything except temptation. "

" We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder. "

" Instant gratification takes too long. "

" Sure, it's fun to chat with people with interesting backgrounds who seem to have a passion for your company. But a job interview is not a friendly chat. You need to determine whether candidates, can they really do the job. So ask them to prove it. "

" It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing. "

" If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. "

" The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "

" I'm a funny guy. You've got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once. "