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" You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' "

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" When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep. "

" When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.' "

" I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum. "

" It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen. "

" Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head. "

" I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system. "

" I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward. "

" I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. "

" I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head. "

" I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out. "

" I was an awkward kid. "

" To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me. "

" Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on. "

" The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it. "

" When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage. "

" I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. "

" A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around. "

" I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. "

" To me, art supplies are always okay to buy. "

" There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it. "

" I could never sit down and write jokes. "

" If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. "

" Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people. "

" Life is full of horrible mistakes. "

" I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. "

" When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes. "

" If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are. "

" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "

" When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. "

" A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together. "