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" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "

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" Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness. "

" Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them. "

" I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself. "

" I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work. "

" Everything that people say is testable. "

" It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me. "

" When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore. "

" I would rather be with my kids than anybody else. "

" I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is. "

" I don't have a brother in real life. "

" When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.' "

" I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk. "

" There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it. "

" You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented. "

" I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. "

" Life is full of horrible mistakes. "

" There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it. "

" To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. "

" To me, art supplies are always okay to buy. "

" Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it. "

" If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. "

" I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. "

" The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. "

" Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much. "

" Oh, I love stand-up. "

" I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor. "

" I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard. "

" I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now. "

" I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women. "

" I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum. "