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" I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. "

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" The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it. "

" I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.' "

" I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor. "

" I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about. "

" Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing. "

" Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them. "

" To me, art supplies are always okay to buy. "

" I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. "

" I like all ladies of all different ages. "

" There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.' "

" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "

" I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head. "

" Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me. "

" I could never sit down and write jokes. "

" You can't direct without a good crew. "

" A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much. "

" There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it. "

" I love comedians. They're my community. "

" When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes. "

" It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen. "

" It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me. "

" Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it. "

" I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' "

" When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep. "

" To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me. "

" I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system. "

" You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience. "

" My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes. "

" Life is full of horrible mistakes. "

" Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides. "