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" I was an awkward kid. "

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" There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it. "

" You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' "

" I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. "

" To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. "

" When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore. "

" Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides. "

" A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together. "

" The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it. "

" There's no such thing as a cheap laugh. "

" Everything that people say is testable. "

" You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented. "

" When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. "

" I could never sit down and write jokes. "

" When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage. "

" I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.' "

" Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue. "

" I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system. "

" Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness. "

" There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.' "

" I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. "

" Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. "

" I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is. "

" I love comedians. They're my community. "

" For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money. "

" I like all ladies of all different ages. "

" I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now. "

" Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much. "

" You can't direct without a good crew. "

" I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know? "

" If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. "