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" I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward. "

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" Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people. "

" I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now. "

" To me, art supplies are always okay to buy. "

" I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women. "

" Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on. "

" I could never sit down and write jokes. "

" I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor. "

" Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing. "

" There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.' "

" I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from. "

" Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it. "

" Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. "

" Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. "

" I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat. "

" I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through. "

" I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed. "

" I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.' "

" To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me. "

" Oh, I love stand-up. "

" I love comedians. They're my community. "

" I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out. "

" If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye. "

" If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. "

" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "

" When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage. "

" Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people. "

" It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me. "

" When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes. "

" America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out. "

" I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard. "