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" I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. "

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" For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money. "

" I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. "

" If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye. "

" I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do. "

" I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system. "

" You can't direct without a good crew. "

" When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. "

" It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them. "

" There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it. "

" There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?' "

" Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better. "

" I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk. "

" I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from. "

" To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. "

" The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness. "

" The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it. "

" Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me. "

" It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen. "

" I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now. "

" Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. "

" If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't. "

" There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it. "

" I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. "

" I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out. "

" I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?' "

" I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.' "

" Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue. "

" Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides. "

" If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. "

" My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes. "