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" I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. "

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" I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do. "

" When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage. "

" Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing. "

" I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. "

" To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me. "

" There's no such thing as a cheap laugh. "

" When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. "

" To me, art supplies are always okay to buy. "

" I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?' "

" Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.' "

" I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' "

" Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them. "

" I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed. "

" I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head. "

" I don't have a brother in real life. "

" I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know? "

" I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out. "

" Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'. "

" I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.' "

" There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it. "

" It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen. "

" You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' "

" Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. "

" When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore. "

" There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say. "

" America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out. "

" A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody. "

" I love comedians. They're my community. "

" I was an awkward kid. "

" I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. "