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" To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me. "

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" Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness. "

" Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head. "

" I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system. "

" Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing. "

" I love comedians. They're my community. "

" I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor. "

" Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people. "

" Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people. "

" I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work. "

" I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women. "

" I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat. "

" I like all ladies of all different ages. "

" It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally. "

" I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward. "

" You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' "

" There's no such thing as a cheap laugh. "

" I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that. "

" Perception is created and twisted so quickly. "

" When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. "

" Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. "

" I would rather be with my kids than anybody else. "

" Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me. "

" The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. "

" I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?' "

" The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness. "

" My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people. "

" It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me. "

" When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes. "