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" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

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" It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "

" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "

" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "

" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. "

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "

" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "