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" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

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" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

" I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "

" My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun. "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. "

" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "

" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "

" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

" I wasn't really a performer by temperament. "

" If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while. "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "