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" Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people who talk about stuff other than girlfriends and relationships and flatulence and genitalia. There are very few of them who actually talk about real stuff. "

Tom Lehrer

Relationships

People

Think

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" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" Bad weather always looks worse through a window. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

Tom Lehrer

Hate

Know

" An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent. "

" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "

" You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

Tom Lehrer

Person

Feels

" When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex. "

" Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? "

" My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun. "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. "

" The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. "

" I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand. "

Tom Lehrer

Really

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

Tom Lehrer

Writing

Night

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery. "

" It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. "

" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. "

Tom Lehrer

Life

Piano

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "