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" I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up. "

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" The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. "

" I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. "

" On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. "

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" I stopped performing because I don't have the temperament of a performer. You have to want to do the same thing over and over again. Once I got it right, I didn't want to do it again. I always use the analogy of a novelist who has to read his novel in public night after night. I just didn't want to do it. "

" Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you. "

" Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh. "

" I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. "

" I figure I wrote 37 songs in 20 years, and that's not exactly a full-time job. It wasn't that I was writing and writing and writing and quit. Every now and then I wrote something, and every now and then I didn't. The second just outnumbered the first. "

" I loved high school, but I wouldn't want to do it again. "

" When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead. "

" I thought about majoring in Math, Chemistry and English, but Math had the fewest requirements, so I went with it. I knew I wanted to teach, and Math was my field, so I studied Math. "

" I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! "

" I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity. "

" I'm not interested in promoting myself or revealing to total strangers anything about me. That's not my job. "

" One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a joke about spending $20 billion sending some clown to the moon. I was against the manned space program then, and I'm even more against it now, that whole waste of money. "

" Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. "

" In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.' "

" Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize. "

" I was immersed in popular songs of the time, of the '30s and '40s. I was writing songs, making fun of the attitudes of those songs, in the musical style of the songs themselves; love songs, folk songs, marches, football. "

" When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' "

" If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. "

" Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit. "

" Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. "

" The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also. "

" I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. "

" There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections. "