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" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "

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" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. "

" We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. "

" What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. "

" Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. "

" I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier. "

" Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. "

" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "

" Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. "

" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "

" The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. "

" It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. "

" Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. "

" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. "

" In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. "

" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "