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" Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. "

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" It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. "

" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

" Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. "

" Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. "

" Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. "

" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. "

" Criticism is prejudice made plausible. "

" Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. "

" Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. "

" Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven. "

" Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods. "

" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. "

" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

" Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. "

" Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "

" Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. "