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" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

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" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. "

" A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. "

" Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. "

" To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! "

" The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. "

" No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. "

" As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. "

" I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant. "

" Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. "

" Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. "

" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" Every man is his own hell. "

" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. "

" If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. "

" The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable. "

" A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. "

" One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "