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" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

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" Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven. "

" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on. "

" The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. "

" The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. "

" A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. "

" A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. "

" We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. "

" Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. "

" The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. "

" Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. "

" Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. "

" Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. "

" Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" Time stays, we go. "

" All government, of course, is against liberty. "

" Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. "

" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. "

" I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. "

" Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. "

" It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. "

" Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. "

" I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. "