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" The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. "

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" Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. "

" For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. "

" Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. "

" A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. "

" On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. "

" If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl. "

" All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "

" Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. "

" Time stays, we go. "

" The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. "

" Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. "

" It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. "

" Adultery is the application of democracy to love. "

" The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught. "

" I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. "

" Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. "

" God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. "

" The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. "

" Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. "

" When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. "

" Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "

" Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "

" Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. "

" The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. "

" A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. "

" Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "

" The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. "

" It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. "

" No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. "

" A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. "