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" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "
Dave Barry
American
Fat
Problem
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" I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. "
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I Am
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" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "
Dave Barry
Know
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" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "
Dave Barry
Time
Doubt
Anybody
" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "
Dave Barry
Golf
Open
Today
" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "
Dave Barry
Jury
Know
Admit
" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "
Dave Barry
Guy
Never
Assume
" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "
Dave Barry
Seafood
Trust
Kind
" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "
Dave Barry
Look
Immaturity
Forward
" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "
Dave Barry
Want
Go
Hate
" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "
Dave Barry
Sports
Problem
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" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "
Dave Barry
Building
Water
Universe
" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "
Dave Barry
Used
Word
Mean
" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "
Dave Barry
Will
Travel
Rain
" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "
Dave Barry
Color
Eye
Information
" The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. "
Dave Barry
Truth
Simple
Cool
" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "
Dave Barry
You
Nothing
Baby
" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "
Dave Barry
Me
People
Religion
" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "
Dave Barry
Simple
Women
Thinking
" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "
Dave Barry
Variety
Point
Little
" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "
Dave Barry
You
Everything
Enough
" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "
Dave Barry
Whales
Whale
Real
" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "
Dave Barry
Nothing
Always
Car
" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "
Dave Barry
Christmas
Choice
Own
" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "
Dave Barry
Body
Funny
Person
" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "
Dave Barry
Generator
Nuclear
Brain
" As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "
Dave Barry
Child
Afraid
Than
" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "
Dave Barry
Tell
You
High School
" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "
Dave Barry
Know
Rich
Today
" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "
Dave Barry
Coffee
Rice
Only
" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "
Dave Barry
History
Communication
Technology