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" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

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" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "