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" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

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" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "