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" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

Dave Barry

Tell

You

High School

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" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

Dave Barry

Person

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" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

Dave Barry

You

Want

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

Dave Barry

Fashion

Dictionary

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

Dave Barry

Original

Days

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "