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" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "
Dave Barry
Know
Sad
I Am
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" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "
Dave Barry
Words
You
Wish
" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "
Dave Barry
Problem
Chess
Possible
" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "
Dave Barry
Simple
Women
Thinking
" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "
Dave Barry
You
Only
Once
" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "
Dave Barry
You
Race
Meetings
" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "
Dave Barry
Life
Anything
Dies
" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "
Dave Barry
Never
Business
Taxes
" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "
Dave Barry
Me
People
Religion
" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "
Dave Barry
Reading
Chance
Crazy
" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "
Dave Barry
Looking
West
Try
" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "
Dave Barry
American
Fat
Problem
" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "
Dave Barry
Variety
Point
Little
" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "
Dave Barry
Person
Depressing
He
" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "
Dave Barry
Know
Rich
Today
" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "
Dave Barry
Popularity
System
Bullet
" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "
Dave Barry
Gender
Believe
Age
" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "
Dave Barry
Personal
You
Better
" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "
Dave Barry
You
Dance
Nobody
" Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "
Dave Barry
Nothing
Always
Car
" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "
Dave Barry
Face
Down
Trees
" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "
Dave Barry
Cute
God
Concerned
" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "
Dave Barry
Sports
Problem
Winter
" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "
Dave Barry
Want
Go
Hate
" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "
Dave Barry
Christmas
Choice
Own
" We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. "
Dave Barry
Electricity
Believe
Company
" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "
Dave Barry
Old
Your
Advice
" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "
Dave Barry
Then
You
Fishing
" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "
Dave Barry
Through
Street
Fashion
" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "
Dave Barry
Without
Example
Beer
" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "
Dave Barry
Generator
Nuclear
Brain