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" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

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" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "